Can you judge somebody by one mistake they did?

‘Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.’

-Suzanne Finnamore

Dear person behind the screen,

let’s take a moment (or maybe 3) to talk about one of the worst things that could happen in a relationship: cheating. Now, cheating on its own is not as interesting, and is definitely not a pleasant topic to talk about. However I still want to address it to a certain degree, I want to talk about people who do it.

People are one of the most fascinating creatures and so human psychology is like an ocean, what we know about it is barely scratching the surface. There are so many reasons to why people do it. Of course there are ones when people cannot fully embrace the monogamy, or where people just enjoy the feeling of it. But I don’t want to be talking about those people. There are those people who do it as a mistake. I don’t think there is anybody who is properly clean, we all did one mistake on the other. And how can we judge which mistake is worse?

What if a person did it because they were hurt and the relationship hasn’t been working out, like living with strangers and then you find the care you were seeking, the soft and gentle touch you lacked. And of course, then you realise what you have done and even though you don’t want to hurt them, you have to end the relationship and so you do. But that doesn’t change the fact that you have cheated. But if it has happened, does it mean you will do it again? I have heard people say ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. But is it actually true? Can’t people change? And isn’t it unfair to judge every single person as the same one? Does it mean that all people who cheat are the same?

For some reason, I don’t agree.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Are we worth fighting for?

‘Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.’

-Shannon L. Alder

Dear person behind the screen,

how long can you allow somebody to hurt you? And I am not talking about serious physical or mental abuse, because that you should not be able to tolerate, who ever you are, I strongly believe that you should never silence abuse. As scary as it may be, you should always speak out about it because not only will you be protecting yourself, but you will be protecting others, who could possibly suffer too. And no matter how alone you feel, there is always somebody who has gone through the same thing.

However ever how long can you allow a person to hurt you in little ways? Break promises to call, break promises to write, break promises to care. What if time after time, you realise ‘no, I am not your priority. You are your own priority.’ And of course there is nothing wrong that, we all fall in love at different paces, same as we all care with different passion. That is not to say that he/she don’t want to care as much, perhaps they care the best they can. It is just not enough for us.

And yes, you could look at the relationship and say, well why do you stay in it if you think it’s not enough? Well what if when things are truly happy and you two are together, than it is more than enough and you understand that they do care. But love can never be as smooth as peanut butter, you always find a clump. But perhaps if you can take that clump out, that means you two are meant to be? But does that mean you should eat the little disappointments of present to find the answer?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Does true love exist for all?

‘The course of true love never did run smooth.’

-William Shakespeare.

Dear person behind the screen,

what is true love? I think it has become a theme of mine to say that there is no one answer to this. As perhaps there is no answer to love at all, I mean can you tell me what love truly is in one simple sentence? To say honestly, if you can fit all those extraordinary feelings into one 5 word sentence, I don’t think you actually know what love is. Because I suppose love is everything and it would take a book longer than War and Peace to describe it.

But one thing I did wonder this morning is what does it take to love truly? Because I will be very honest with you I do not think that every single person out there is capable of true love. In fact I do not think that most people even meet their true love, a lot just give up looking because they think the perfect does not exist. And so they settle for something they think they deserve and for something they think is right. But what those people fail to understand is that the perfect does exist, only it is different for every one of us. When we fall in love truly all the faults of the ones we love somehow emerge into one and we love them for that and perhaps even stop noticing them with time. Because we accept them for who they truly are and we love that person.

I know every other person out there claims that they have been in love at least once in their life. But is it really true? Do they just think they have been in love? But was it real love? I think I have grown to understand that you really have to be a certain person inside to actually recognise true love and more over to feel it. Of course we can all feel sympathy and attraction, but can we all feel love?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

A golden cage is still a cage…

‘When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different.’

-Jess C. Scott

Dear person behind the screen,

relationships are complicated, even the simple once are complicated. Maybe it’s due to our nature, humans love to over think and over complicate even the most simple things of all. But relationships are hard because for once you don’t just care for your own heart (at least that how it’s supposed to be in my mind), you care for somebody elses heart too. A heart which was a stranger at first, but then became one of the closest. I guess there isn’t just one secret to how to keep a functional relationship, there are a million of them and every couple has their own. This is why I always disagreed with the lists magazines post, because what’s right for them, isn’t necessarily right for you. You have to learn how to stay in love yourself, the rest can just offer suggestions. After numerous of heart breaks I have discovered the secret for me. Or at least it is the secret of my present.

The secret of freedom.

Freedom comes in so many different forms and shapes. I know a lot of people, or at least people I knew in the past, who think that when you enter a relationship you give your freedom away. You are no longer alone or a one, from now on you are two. If before I was fooled in believing that, I reject the idea now. I do not believe that you have to talk to a person 24/7 (especially if it is a long distance relationship), I don’t think it is necessary to give the person an hour to an hour account of what you are doing each day, and updating the other person of your moves hourly. NO! I reject this idea now. I think you can and you have to be free in a relationship to make it last.

With freedom comes trust, the trust to know that regardless of what the person will be doing, where and who with, the person will always stay faithful to you. Of course you may want and need to set some basic grounds because we all have our different ideas of ‘normal’. But what isn’t normal is locking the person inside a cage, even if it is a golden cage, it is still a cage. Now I think there is something special when you two have the freedom to do things you want and then come back to the same bed and share all the minutes of happiness you had separate together. Of course there will always be people who would prefer the golden cage, but that will never be me.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Because love that is blind, is nothing but blind excitement.

‘You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.’

– dr. Seuss.

Dear person behind the screen,

Love… Love is probably the topic that every second person thinks about from a day-to-day, hour to hour. Every second person wants to meet that special love, wants to be taken by the feelings so deep and so different from anything that was experienced before. One expression that I very often heard from people in regards to love, is that love is blind. Maybe before when I was younger I could accept that too, but now that I am growing, not just older but mentally too, I more and more reject that saying.

I no longer think that love can come without understanding, I think love should be thoughtful and noticed. I think love should be connected with understanding faults and learning to fight them. Faults not just within ourselves, but within our lovers  and people around us too and overcoming them together. I think true love should be smart, having the intelligence to separate the true and honest, from empty and false. That’s why love should not be blind. Blind excitement (which I don’t think you can call love) can lead to terrible mistakes and conclusions. So perhaps love is a lot more complex, than just a feeling. Perhaps to feel love, honest love, you should first learn what love really is for you. And only then you can learn to see it.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

A second of happiness together which is worth a life-time of sadness.

‘For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.’

-Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Dear person behind the screen,

looking at the people around me, looking at ‘grown up’ people in my life, I understand that the friends they made were mainly the friends they made during their youth. Of course they are exclusions from this ( life there are exclusions from everything in life), but as a rule I think I have learned that youth is the time of connections. The time you connect to so many various people, as we grow older it almost seems like we close up and become more suspicious about people around us.

What I am growing to realise is that friendship helps both in happiness and sadness. Yes, I think in happiness we need help too, you can’t be truly happy if you have nobody to share your happiness with. Be it your friends or your family. To be happy truly is not only to feel it yourself to the bottom of your soul, but also to have those special people to feel it and share it with. Because happiness that is not shared, is not happiness at all. And perhaps a person who has nobody to share it with, is the most unhappy one. Nothing ruins happiness more, than living through it alone.

This makes me encourage you to keep that part of youth till the very end of age. Don’t waste aways the jewels of youth.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

When you are so stressed out you feel like your book shelf is looking at you…

‘Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, it empties today of its strength.’

-Corrie ten Boom

Dear person behind the screen,

Before, when I was younger stress wasn’t a thing which has really bothered me, some how I have always been able to turn my mind away from the problem, laugh it off and focus on something more pleasant. And some how, I have always managed to get by all the stress and worries. But I guess this is the childhood/teenage carefree life. But now, the older I grow, the easier stress finds holes within my nerves to get to me. In the past year, I had to move two times, and the third one is getting close again. The first time I moved I was pre-occupied with other issues and I had help from the closest people, so it had just went by. The second time I was on my own and I got so stressed out that I threw half of my belongings out and spent hours tearing on my friend’s shoulder. Now I have a week till I will move (to a different country too) and I realise that too much has to be done in the little time and so I am sitting far far away not even at a place I have to worry, but I am worried out of my mind.

The paradox is that deep inside of me there is a voice saying that all will be fine and even though there is a short time limit – I will do it all. But it is very hard to hear that tiny whisper, when my everything is shouting in anger, paranoia and worry. I feel like stress relief is literally one of the most popular things to give advice on, probably because when you look at somebody else’s stress it really looks like nothing much to be stressed about.

One thing I understood that it is actually true. You just shouldn’t worry that much because a. if you will worry and stress out you are increasing the chances of you failing to do what you wanted to do. And b. if you will add up all the time you spent worrying together in a life time, you will really waste a year of your life. So I think one thing I have told myself to do, is to try and enjoy the stressful life, because if you have things to stress about, it means that you have things to care for in your life. And your life won’t always be as active and you won’t always have to sort things outs. This means you are actually living. So when you do feel stressed try to look at your situation as a stranger would and evaluate if it is actually that important to break your nerves over.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Things change and life doesn’t stop for anybody.

‘Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.’

-Leo Tolstoy.

Dear person behind the screen,

we were all born good. As new borns we don’t know the distinctions between good and bad, we don’t see the difference between gender and race, we do not abuse each other because we are all the same. And then we grow up. The more we see the world and explore it’s corners, we change and there we learn our differences. The more we grow, the more we understand that we would like to embrace different parts of the world. The parts we choose to embrace, shape our understanding of difference. Some grow understanding and others grow to judge. I know with opinions towards gender and race and sex, your background does shape your understanding and perception of people. But how does it happen that some people grow cruel?

Over my life time (which wasn’t as long, but isn’t as short either) I have met a few people who were truly evil in their nature and many more who just weren’t good. I am sure a lot of you have similar experiences. When you embrace the world fully, it is impossible for you to miss all sorts of different people. I know perhaps it is too black and white, to label people just by being rather ‘good’ or ‘bad’, but doesn’t it essentially come to just that? Those who are prepared to sacrifice themselves and those who aren’t and never will.

But is it possible to change? Can truly good people go bad? And can people change and become good after years and years of bringing pain and hurt to everybody, even complete strangers?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Learning to say goodbye…

‘Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember and cry.’

-dr. Seuss.

Dear person the screen,

I think one of the hardest words to say to somebody is ‘goodbye’. I know that ‘hello’ could be a pretty hard one too, we all have our insecurities which can stop us from being ourselves when we say that first ‘hello’, or perhaps our insecurities and over thinking stops us from saying that one ‘hello’, a ‘hello’ which could have changed some things around for you. But what if you finally managed to say the ‘hello’, and the things which followed were great, maybe even perfect at some point, but what if a point after a point brought you to a place when your heart knows you need to say a ‘goodbye’, not for the night no, a ‘goodbye’ to all of the future ‘hello’s’. And I am not trying to relate this to romantic relationships only, no, this could be a case with friendships or any sort of relationships. There always comes a time to say goodbye.

In my life I understood that sometimes relationships come to an end naturally, whether it was you or then who changed, or it was life itself which changed so much that people simply lose the connection they had. As I think I said before, feelings have a nasty habit of disappearing over a night. Any feelings can, not only love can do it. As they say there is also one step separating hate and love.

Sometimes, there comes a moment when you understand that you are thankful for all the memories you had together in the past and you are thankful that that person have always been there for you, maybe not in the way you wanted, but perhaps in the way you needed. But there will come a moment when you will understand that regardless of the past happiness, there comes a time to say goodbye. This has certainly happened to me on many numerous occasions: in love, but perhaps more often in friendship. The hard part of having grown together is to understand that you alone have grown in a different direction, and their direction is not the one you want to be seen in or even look at. But what if after you managed to say goodbye, their direction chaises you back, what if they thought your goodbye only meant a goodbye for now and not forever?

But can you truly say goodbye forever? At the end of the day, those people and those relationships are a part of your past, and you can’t erase the past. You can certainly stop thinking about it and move on, but your past is the reason you are where you are now. So is it fair to cancel those relationships out of your life completely? Perhaps not, but what if keeping them at present is a constant reminder of the negativity you were able to escape by escaping them?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

For the two people who’s love brought us to this planet.

‘To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness’

-Oscar Wilde

Dear person behind the blog,

Parents, they play a very big part of our life. Just excluding the fact that they gave life to us, they also raised us to be the people we are now. I know that a lot may disagree and say that there are bad parents, just as there are good parents. And that only the second can teach us something. I don’t think I can agree with that because those who are not as good at parenting, still show us what we do not want to be, maybe a painful example, but it helps us to understand the people we do not want to be. But looking at the picture more widely, our parents (and so are we) are only humans, we all make mistakes and we all have our regrets.

What I mean is, sometimes we disagree with what our parents say and not understand why our parents can’t see things the way we see them. I mean why can’t people who share our blood, not see what our eyes see. Yes, things like that happen because we are still different people and we were raised differently and most importantly in a different world. A world which shaped their understanding and believes to be completely different to ours. I know my parents really try and learn to see things with my eyes and yes sometimes they fail, but I can’t blame them for that.

What I am trying to say is that our parents had a different life and a different experience from which we had, maybe their life was a lot harder than ours. I know sometimes it may seem that their advice goes completely against what we want for ourselves, but we have to understand they base their advice on their life. But our life is not theirs. But that doesn’t always mean that they don’t understand, just it may be so that what is best for us in their eyes, is not the same what we want to see for ourself.

Sometimes it may be beyond hard for us to overstep ourselves and try see things from their eyes, but sometimes it is necessary in order to save that relationship with them, because at the end of the day they are the two people who will be for us and with us no matter what we do in our lives. That is not to say we have to accept what they tell us, but it does mean that we should try to explain to them our feelings in a way that won’t reject theirs. At the end of the day, even though it might be hard, we have to care for them in the time that we still have them.

Truly yours,

…

xxx