Hidden Behind Dreams

“Because no matter what they say, you always have a choice. You just don’t always have the guts to make it.”
― Ray N. Kuili, Awakening

Dear Person Behind The Screen,

Sometimes I sit in my room and turn on music, spin on my chair and imagine. Imagine things I want to happen, or how I want to live my life, or how I want to be myself. I spend hours imagining it and even though happy in my dreams, I also feel sad because those dreams are not fully a reality. But why can’t it be?

If you want to act a certain way and you can see yourself being happier, then why don’t you? Because I don’t think changing yourself and your personality to the point when you are happy is faking it. Faking is when you are being dishonest to yourself first. And locking yourself in a cage of behaviour you are perhaps used to, is lying to yourself. And how can that ever make you happy?

I started to think that sometimes, I close my eyes and only then I see the real me. And when my eyes are opened I feel a person hidden by various social normal, social expectations and all of the others bla bla blas.

What I am saying is; if changing your hair makes you happy – DO IT, if laughing loud makes you happy – DO IT. As long as you are not of harm to others around you, why can’t you be you and be happy?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Never on Your List

“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

Dear Person Behind the Screen,

I have learnt to understand that it is impossible to expect people to do exactly what you would do in their situation.

Wait, this is rather vague.

I feel like it is rather natural for people to need somebody who cares. An obvious rule of that, is being the one who cares too. Because how can you expect something honest and real when you can’t give it in return. This sounds rather materialistic, but isn’t it true? I mean can you truly appreciate or experience love if you are not capable of love? My opinion: no. And the same opinion applies to care too.

With love it is somewhat different because sometimes you fall in love and there is really little you can do about it, and sometimes you don’t even choose who you fall in love with. But is it the same with care? At what point do you stop yourself from caring about somebody who does not care (or at least does not care enough) about you and is it even possible?

And I understand that every individual has their own level of capability to show love or care. But when you are willing to do so much just to let the person know you are here for them… and well when you need them you hear radio silence.

And don’t get me wrong, I understand that sometimes people make mistakes and there are misunderstandings and so many other reasons which later turn into excuses. So when is it crossing the line?

For me love is more than just holding hands. So when the person is there for you to share happiness, but is missing from your misery… is it still love?

What do you think?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Life Knows No Time

 

“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.”
― Sarah Dessen, Just Listen 

Dear Person Behind The Screen,

Life goes on. Goes on in ways it is hard to imagine, sometimes you can plan things and it is great. Sometimes you don’t plan anything and somehow it works out for the best (even better than you could have possibly imagined). But then there are other times, when things don’t work out. I think with years, I have grown to realise that when things don’t happen exactly how you want it, it is not all that bad, in fact some times it opens a world much better. And not just a better world, a better you grows out of the experience.

It is almost impossible to avoid change. Life knows no time.

However what I have grown to realise, is that life does move on and there are people and things that leave our life (which is normal too) and sometimes we just have no time to maintain things. Recently it hit me ‘I have no time’ has turned from a reason to an excuse. I no longer use it when I am actually busy, but I say it when I am not sure or simply too lazy.

This has led me to another thought.

Because of these excuses I have abandoned the little things I used to love and treasure. And I think this is wrong. If something brings us happiness (no matter how little it is) we should try our best to find time for it. Because at the end of the day, most often, it is the little things which make our days worth while. And at the end of the day, you don’t know how many of those little things will turn into big things.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

If all my dreams would come true…

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
― Douglas Adams

Dear person behind the screen,

I was wondering today about dreams. We all have them, little or big it does not matter. Sadly, not everybody’s dreams come true and even though I wrote “I hope all of your dreams will come true” on every birthday card I have wrote since I am 5, I don’t believe that there is one person who can say that everything they wanted has happened. But why would it, life isn’t always fair.

However, there may be dreams which escape our hands, but we achieve others and somehow end up happy with what we made out of our life. This made me wonder, where would we be if all of our dreams came true? Somehow I am sure that if everything has happened the way my heart wanted, I would never see the faces of people I love so much now. So maybe things caused heart ache (and a lot of it) in the past, but they got me where I am right now and I can definitely say that I am at my happiest place now. So is it important for some dreams to fail?

This definitely turns all of my worries and negative thoughts about previous break ups, disappointments and regrets to a side B. And no, this is not an excuse to let the past go. It is a reason to embrace it and thank all the heart aches to bringing you to a place you are today. And if you are still not happy today, know that this pain could be a gate to a better and possibly a happier future.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

 

Can you love through the pain?

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky

Dear person behind the screen,

and so I tell you I need to talk. And so I tell you how it is important to me to talk today. And so you say you understand. And so you will say you will be capable of calling. And you would put me in front of everything and help me talk to me. Of course I didn’t tell you that something serious had happened. Was that the mistake? But I did tell you that I need to talk. Do I even need to so specify that I got a text from you at 4 am saying you won’t call? I suppose I didn’t, but let’s make things apparent.

So what does this mean? Does it mean you don’t care and sex drugs and rockNroll goes in front of me uncoditionally? Would I ask too much if I would expect you to call for 5 minutes to at least ask what happened? Or text me through what is happening? But no, your friends are more important.

The question is. Do you accept it? Becuase the problem is that when you put this aside, you two are almost perfect together and happiness doesn’t end (too cliche?). So what do you do about ‘little’ things like that? They do hurt and you do mention them, but as in everything history always repeats itself. How do you deal with this?

One thing I learned is that you can’t save everybody, same as you can’t change people just because of what they do to you. I mean they are people to and they are who they are, if you fall in love you fall in love with the person they are, not the person you can make out of them. Confusion. Can you love through the pain?

I know that I am not going to ask you ‘is it worth it question’ because only you know whether it is worth it or not, nobody knows your relationship as good as you do. But how do you decide if it is?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Please let me breathe…

Dear person behind the screen,

I know you and I have briefly talked about this before, but I am only human, it happens that thougths in my head tend to repeat themselves, only when they do they are added by more wonder, more questions, more concerns.

So how important it is in a relationship to be able to breathe? In my experience of relationships which had so much oppression, control and passive physical and mental obsession in them, I learned that for me breathing and having the freedom to breathe and act is one of the most important things. One thing I never understood is that how is it possible to preserve love and feelings if there is no room for them to grow because of constant oppression? Or is oppression a sick way to show you care and to make you feel loved?

Of course I can’t be generalising here saying it is bad for everybody because I know people who like to be ‘controled’. But when I hear boyfriends telling their sweethearts that they shouldn’t dress up because they aren’t there or go out when they could talk to them instead. I don’t understand that. Aren’t those little things you could decide for yourself? And wouldn’t a relationship be stronger  if you two would have a life to attend and meet together, lay in bed and share all the little things? And then live through other, yet just as special, little things together? But can that really happen if you just control every little aspect of your lives?

Just a thought of the day.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

Humanity where are you?

Dear person behind the screen,

it is very late in the part of the world where I am and sleep is falling upon me. However I couldn’t just fall asleep because my thoughts do not let go of my conscious. I never thought that opening a browser and reading news would be something I would be terrified, something I would fear of. And yet, I do. Something so simple could be so difficult. Yet there is a very simple answer to why it is the case, because I know that every time I would open another article my hope in humanity will be dying with another attack.

I do not want to talk about politics here and discuss who is right and who is wrong because there are always two truths and debating which one is the correct one is not only out of my competence, but also (most importantly) is out of my desires. However I do want to just remember those innosent people who are suffering from decissions which never belonged to them, for people who are a decoration for somebody else’s play.

Anger only encourages anger, so I am bring flowers. I don’t want my generation to become another generation of war and loss. It is impossible to change the world, but it is easy to change yourself. And that is a very good place to start.

Truly yours,

…

xxx

When the trees were so tall and the sky so blue…

‘Youth is wasted on the young.’

-George Bernard Shaw.

Dear person behind the screen,

sometimes days drag and we can’t seem to get to the end of the week, hour after an hour it is still a tuesday afternoon and friday is definitely longer than a blink away. But at the same time take a bunch of long days like this and you will notice that half a year passed and it is almost winter again. So how can life go by so fast yet slow at the same time?

A question even harder to answer comes to mind, if life runs by so fast, can you fully take advantage of it? And I know looking at some people’s twitter, facebook or instagram you can understand the saying to take the bull by it’s horns. But what about the rest of us, more introverted people? I can’t stop thinking that even though I am constantly doing something, I have done nothing. I know I am young, I am only in my early twenties and so almost the whole life is ahead of me. But twenty years is a long time! Bach and Mozzart have written so many symphonies by this age! And me… what about me?

How do you understand that you are doing something really worth while of your time and age? I suppose the time to experiment, the time to be couragious and live outside of the box that is our mind, is the time of our youth. When else can we take the crazy things the world has to offer if not now? How good will an eldery life without memories to remember be? Or is this seeing life black and white?

Truly yours,

…

xxx

I am in love with You, not who You were born to be.

“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.”
― Oscar Wilde

Dear person behind the screen,

labels is something we meet and experience on daily basis. Without knowing it we label those around us and ourselves too. Some labels are more hurtful than others, and other labels are just there for convinience. In fact, for our convinience, because they help us to understand ourselves and where our feelings, beliefs and thoughts come from.

However don’t we limit ourselves when we give each other a category we fit? I know the thought I am about to propose will be controversal and not everybody would understand or agree with it. But freedom to the thoughts, right?

In my life time I never had any specific encounter with a person of the same sex as me, however for some time now I refused to call myself straight. Most people might find it weird because I never had a girlfriend nor was I attracted to a girl in a sexual way. However why should I tell myself that I never will be able to?

When you fall in love, truly fall in love, don’t you fall for the person? For their character and the little things they do and say, for how they make you feel? And not necesserily for what they carry in their pants?

I know a lot of people would disagree and perhaps say that they know that they are just that or this. And indeed those are lucky people who know. But I just want to put accross that it is not important to exactly know who you are and where you stand, don’t close paths you don’t know if you could possibly take them. Just open your heart to love and see what that wonderful feeling brings!

Truly yours,

…

xxx

How long can you blame me for something they did?

“I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.”
― Lauren Oliver

Dear person behind the screen,

let’s say you fall for someone. Let’s say you fall hard and you really want this to last, you really think it is special. And let’s say the person falls for you too. Perfect scenario isn’t it? But what if that person have really been hurt in the past and that past still lingers on his lips. And every time he kisses you, he remembers the kisses of the past pain. Now that doesn’t mean he or she is not fully committed to you, they are, but they are still broken and there is little they can do about it.

So you accept it, because you accept them fully. And you keep picking up the pieces. But what if those pieces are sharp and every time you take one in your hand and hand it over, you help them, but you hurt yourself. Looking in their eyes you know what they feel towards you, but they will never say it and sometimes they act like they don’t care because they are scared to let go fully. And you understand that and once again you accept it.

But how long can you be hurt because of something somebody else have done? They are long gone and probably have moved on. And he/she too, they moved on too and don’t even understand that the past you had nothing to do with and wasn’t a player in, hurts you daily because you are the one left with the consequences of somebody elses heart-break.

How long can this go on? Do you sacrifice yourself if that means you’re the one will be happier? Or does your happiness matter the most?

Truly yours,

…

xxx