For the two people who’s love brought us to this planet.

‘To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness’

-Oscar Wilde

Dear person behind the blog,

Parents, they play a very big part of our life. Just excluding the fact that they gave life to us, they also raised us to be the people we are now. I know that a lot may disagree and say that there are bad parents, just as there are good parents. And that only the second can teach us something. I don’t think I can agree with that because those who are not as good at parenting, still show us what we do not want to be, maybir6ikq81118e a painful example, but it helps us to understand the people we do not want to be. But looking at the picture more widely, our parents (and so are we) are only humans, we all make mistakes and we all have our regrets.

What I mean is, sometimes we disagree with what our parents say and not understand why our parents can’t see things the way we see them. I mean why can’t people who share our blood, not see what our eyes see. Yes, things like that happen because we are still different people and we were raised differently and most importantly in a different world. A world which shaped their understanding and believes to be completely different to ours. I know my parents really try and learn to see things with my eyes and yes sometimes they fail, but I can’t blame them for that.

What I am trying to say is that our parents had a different life and a different experience from which we had, maybe their life was a lot harder than ours. I know sometimes it may seem that their advice goes completely against what we want for ourselves, but we have to understand they base their advice on their life. But our life is not theirs. But that doesn’t always mean that they don’t understand, just it may be so that what is best for us in their eyes, is not the same what we want to see for ourself.

Sometimes it may be beyond hard for us to overstep ourselves and try see things from their eyes, but sometimes it is necessary in order to save that relationship with them, because at the end of the day they are the two people who will be for us and with us no matter what we do in our lives. That is not to say we have to accept what they tell us, but it does mean that we should try to explain to them our feelings in a way that won’t reject theirs. At the end of the day, even though it might be hard, we have to care for them in the time that we still have them.

Truly yours,

xxx

Is growing up a trap?

Dear person behind the screen,

of course we age with every day of our lives, but it only becomes apparent when the special birthday strikes. Then you know for sure another year have passed you by, a year you will never be able to return. Yes, I know that I probably sound very melancholic about those joyful days. I mean who doesn’t like birthdays, right?

Well I absolutely loved them until I turned 18. And after, it became quite an adventure. Two people fighting within me: one a little child who still received every second of the day torta_13185129420-91905500as happiness, and then another who was incredibly sad that childhood is ended and all I have to look forward to is adulthood. Now don’t get me wrong, being grown up has it up’s too, a lot of them in fact. But something I have found is that the more people grow up the faster they forget that they too were a child once too. Looking at some people, it almost seems like they were born adults.

I realised that what really distinguishes people from each other is that some still have childhood shining through their eyes. And those people are truly the best kind, people who can laugh out loud without caring what others think of them, chasing a dream no matter how impossible it seems, and more importantly believing in miracles. Why most importantly, because as Peter Pan taught us: you have to believe to be able to fly.

I struggle to let go a part of my childhood and I honestly tried to keep hold of it for as long as I could. So I can’t look at those young girls trying to grow up so fast, without a tear in my eyes. Because putting on make up – doesn’t mean grown up, dressing up as a grown up – doesn’t mean grown up, having sex- doesn’t mean grown up, drinking doesn’t mean it either. I have a niece, she just turned 6 this year, so young, such a child. But she already can’t wait to become a grown up and her parents encourage that I believe.

But I always keep telling her to enjoy being a child, because you will be an adult for the rest of your life.

Truly yours,

xxx

Once upon a time in a dysfunctional relationship…

Dear person behind the screen,

I strongly believe that most of us (and by that I mean 99.99%) have been in a dysfunctional relationship at least once in their life. By a dysfunctional relationship I do not mean a relationship which has simply ended: no. I mean a relationship which has already died in your heart or in a heart of your partner, but for one reason or another its spirit still lingers around. By that I mean that you (and I want to talk about us rather than our partners) have not found the inner strength to break things off.

I think in the cases of ‘yes, my partner treats me like dirt but I still love them’, things are fairly obvious. You can’t dump them because you love them. I mean who am I to judge that, I have a box of pens which don’t write for years now, just because they are too cute to throw away. But what about those who know that this relationship has no future and there is no love left, but more like attachment. Why do we keep playing along pretending that one day things may change, or waiting for that magical tomorrowbandaid3, when we know we are going to wake up with the same feeling. Like what are we hopping for, that they will suddenly forget about our existence?

In my case, I knew that there is nothing I can do anymore. I cannot recall the exact moment when my feelings had died. I guess the Beatles were right when they sung ‘love has a nasty habit of disappearing over night’, because in my experience it really can. And it is not something they did or something that you did (even though it can really be both), but sometimes love just out lives itself. I guess it is really just common sense, if it is not true love, it will die eventually, give it a month or 4 years, it will happen.

So the reason I continued with the relationship was because I did not want to hurt my partner. And I felt selfish for doing so, but how do you tell somebody you still care about that you want to kill a dream in a day which you two took a year to build? But what happened was instead of breaking his heart, I broke mine. For I was not happy leaving a pretence. And so when I finally found the courage to say ‘I feel nothing anymore’, I finally felt happy for admitting to myself and to my partner that I have given up long ago. Before that moment I had wished that my partner would dump me, so that I wouldn’t be the one breaking promises.

But after it was over, I realised one thing. Never again am I sacrificing my own happiness like that. Because at the end of the day, you are all you have.

Trully yours,

xxx

I WANT TO BELIEVE!

‘Three years? That’s a thousand tomorrows, ma’am’

-Karen Kingsbury

Dear person behind the screen,

What can be more simple than having a belief? All you have to do is find something you are truly passionate about and something you are willing to stand up for. Of course, that standing up can happen on different levels; not allowing people to change your opinion and ultimately staying true to what you feel. But what happens when staying true and honest about your believes is the hardest thing.

We like to say that our society has developed and that it has changed to better and that people are more open-minded. Of couC__Data_Users_DefApps_AppData_INTERNETEXPLORER_Temp_Saved Images_imagesrse there has been a change for better, it is almost impossible to deny that. However there are still people who will try to hurt you (both mentally and physically) for something you stand up for, and more than anything will attempt to take your believes away from you.

Sometimes, staying true will mean loosing people, people close to us, people we thought we will always have by our side. Some times are believes are so powerful that they drive people away. Some times they will make us lose. Of course this reminds me of the x-files, how Fox believed to a point that it meant he was alone. But he still believed. This amount of strength is truly admirable. But does it bring real happiness? of course, there is no currency we can measure happiness in. But does believing to a point that it hurts and alters our daily lives brings us happiness?

What do you think?

Truly yours,

xxx

Can we love each other truly if we are so different?

‘For the two of us, home isn’t a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.’

-Stephanie Perkins.

Dear person behind the screen,

Thanks to the unbelievable traffic when a snail can walk (not quite sure how you call snails movement actually) faster than the distance you managed to travel in a car, I had the joy of taking the public transport. We all know that sometimes it can get a little too much down there. I am not going to lie to you and say that I read or focus on my music when I am in the tube. I am quite happy looking at people. But I am a writer, that’s what we do: We observe.

So while “observing” (or as others may call it stalking) I noticed a couple on my left side. If I tell you that they were simply different, it would mean saying nothing at all. She was (probably still is) a gentle lady girl, with her back 180 degrees straight as if somebody held up a protractor behind her. With a very beautiful and kind smile. And he… Well he didn’t act like prince charming. Yet what truly matteredwp_ss_20150711_0002 was that you didn’t need a second glance to understand that they were in love. Of course love managed to erase all the differences and unite them into one.

This made me wonder about how exactly do we choose our partners. I refuse to believe that it is our biology which forces us to look for a mate and that love is a response to the ‘love hormone’ being emitted into our brain. I was always a supporter of a more romanticized version that we look to find our soul mates, our once in a life time. But can our once in a life time be a polar opposite of us?

In my experience polar opposites only worked for a short period of time, interesting arguments about our perception of the world soon changed into heated fights. Fight after a fight killed all feelings existing and all feelings possible. Was I too stubborn and tried to win all fights, even those I should have agreed to lose? Or did it mean that it was simply not mine and more special feelings were ahead of me. I know the second is true because I did find them, but the past me had no way of knowing it. 

Though at the same time I understand that if two people agree on every single issue possible and they keep looking into each other mouths, then life can soon become very bitter-sweet. This only shows me one thing, that like in everything, there can be no successful relationships with out balance and compromises. One thing I learned through all of my heart breaks, is that only those rare real, honest and special relationships can survive balance, as it is never reached easily. I know it may seem like the easiest thing to sometimes close your eyes when a person forgets to call, but things are much harder when a person forgets to be there for you. Only those special relationships can live through it and not kill the happiness. And no it doesn’t mean to allow the other person to walk over you, it simply means choosing your battles.

I still have a lot to learn, because I don’t think that anybody had truly mastered the art of relationships. But what I do know is that no matter how it may hurt at the present, sometimes things fall apart so that better things can form.

Truly yours

XxxPhotocredit: bestsayings

Lost within my thoughts. Anybody seen me?

‘Getting lost is just another way of saying going exploring’
-Justina Chen

Dear person behind the screen,

have you ever felt lost? Lost geographically within your own thoughts and feelings? Lost to the point that you don’t know whether it is your mind or heart telling you what to do. I think one of the advices given most often to those who are confused is: ‘Listen to your heart, it always knows best’. But what if your heart had quit the occupation of a relationship adviser and exhibits it’s potential in pumping blood?

It feels better when you are torn over a decision because at least then you know there are as many doors you can close, just as many as you InstagramCapture_88b2c0e4-c10f-447b-be1a-84025a948793can open. But what if you are sitting in your living room, looking around and you understand that you have everything a person needs, but at the same time there is something you can’t distinguish. Something is simply not where. But what is it? You don’t know.

Another advice I heard just as many times, is that things are always more clear in the mornings. But what if your morning is just as dark as your night. Sure, the sun has replaced the moon, but nether the less, it is shining for somebody else. Somebody who knows exactly what they want.

And no, it is not because you don’t have a dream. You do, your pockets are full of dreams. Of course, they can fit more, but it is not what you are lacking. When I was younger I used to break my head over finding to a solution of why things are like so.

But now I understand. That sometimes, you need to allow yourself to be lost in order to be found.

Truly yours,

xxx

Can I be your priority too?

‘When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.’
-Donald Miller.

Dear person behind the screen,

I have been thinking about priorities recently. When we fall in love or feel sympathy or meet new friends, we learn to separate them from the rest of the people we know or that we used to know. In other words we learn to prioritize, drawing fine lines between people for who we will be there no matter what InstagramCapture_c0649e74-b5e9-4111-8a07-35a9578d6e3eand others. This made me think: you can never be too busy, it is all a matter of priorities.

So what do you do when you are prepared to stay up till 5 am to hear from a person, cancel a meeting you have planned long ago just because they need you this second, or even sacrifice other relationships of various natures just to be with them. What do you do, when you stay up fighting through sleep but that call never comes through. A thought that you are not the priority. Have you ever been one at all?

The impulsive persona within me wants to treat the person the same way, to make them understand that my care in not unconditional and that I wont always be there at the first call. But after a few minutes or maybe hours, the truth becomes apparent. They might act like that, but you don’t want to be like them, you want to treat people the way you want to be treated. And so you let it go.

Does this mean that you swallow your pride and allow them to take advantage of you or does this simply mean you care? Regardless of which one it is, how long can this go on? Of course, we can’t (at least most of us can’t) read minds, and that person really might care. But how many times do you have to get hurt because the person rejects your affection and feelings because of something that somebody else did to them?

Perhaps no relationships can be as smooth as sunshine, there always comes a shadow But which shadow do you over look and which do you escape?

Truly yours,

xxx

Photo credits: BestSayings

Regrets, Regrets and a little more of those nasties…

‘Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, “it might have been.”’
-Kurt Vonnegut
Dear person behind the screen,

For some time now I have been thinking about regrets (well you can say I have been over thinking my past along with my past experiences). Looking back I realize that I regret things I didn’t do, more than the things I actually did. Even if things haven’t worked out as I have expected or wanted them to, at least I didn’t lock myself in the chamber of ‘what if’s’. Sometimes I have forced myself to come out of my comfort zone and I have been hurt, but behind that pain was a sense of happiness too. A sense of a realization that at least now I don’t have to question myself and beat myself up because I wasn’t brave enough to take a chance.

As I grow older I realize that life throws us so many chances and all we really have to do is decide which ones we want to take. Needless to say (even though here I am still writing about it) you can only see those chances, if you open your heawp_ss_20150819_0001rt to them and be ready for possible failures, disappointed and regrets. However when you do leave your shy self behind, you free yourself from constant torture of your thoughts asking you why… why couldn’t you just make that one tiny step.

As I have told you before, I am a romantic, so a lot of my regrets do happen because of missed chances with people. Or sometimes, failed chances at something possible. Failed for so many reasons that this post would become a good night story if I wrote them all down. But under all those regrets there is also a positive feeling that at least now I know that person was not for me and I no longer imagine a perfect future we could have had.

This is why for several months now, whenever I face myself with a decision, which comes down to me really wanting something but having my complexes hold me down, I tell myself: ‘remember that months or maybe even years from now, you won’t regret having gained experience from your actions, you will regret missing them along with possible happiness’. I have told this to myself so often that it has become somewhat my philosophy. With its help I have opened my heart to a lot of special people and special experiences, not all good, but all that helped me to become a person I am now. And I can assure you that at this moment and time, I am the happiest I remember myself in a long while.

All I am asking you, is please don’t shut down the world. Embrace the bad along side with the good and build a life you can proudly call ‘yours’.

Truly yours,

xxx

Photo credits: BestSayings

Ah Those Feelings!

‘Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed’
-Alexander Pope.

Dear person behind the screen,

There is one thing you need to know about me. I am a romantic to the very last brain cell. (okay, I do acknowledge that the sentence itself doesn’t sound romantic) Romantic to the point that I believe in love at first sight, a marriage for life, meeting your the one, the Cinderella story. (p.s. I can understand why some people’s brain cells refuse to believe in that). Call me an idealist or a dreamer, I am all that. Like every romantic I have given my heart away from the first glance. Of course, it has been burnt the next instant.

But as I have grown older (I hope that I’ve grown wiser too) I realized that people themselves were not always at fault for burning and disappointing me. It would have been easier to say that I was tricked in seeing a side of them they created on purpose, or that they have abused my romantic nature. All that happened too, but most importantly I was the one who created that ‘perfect’ side to them and it was also me, who abused my own nature. To put it simply: I saw what I wanted to see.

Whenever I have met somebody, I have always created an alternative reality in my mind, which was entirely constructed of how I wanted to be treated. I imagined conversations we would have, imagined places we would go, feelings we would have, dreams we would share. I suppose from the first glance there is nothing harmful about that. Things become different when you fall in love with the image (not a person, for that person only exists in your mind). Of course the feelings towards your creation are real. That is exactly why it hurts so much: the feelings are real, the person is not. What often happened to me, is that even though I saw the signs of my illusion being different from the reality, I still played along, creating excuses to why a person doesn’t respond with the care I want.

But you can only fool yourself and avoid the moment of realization for a certain amount of time. Sooner or (most often) later there comes a moment when you understand that the real person you know, is not the person you fell in love with. With that realization you will go over every coffee date and ever text message and understand that you imagined the care, you imagined the love, you imagined the relationship. There you will face a dilemma, do you continue living with a dream or try to fall for the real human being. Does that mean having a first meeting again and getting to know each other all over again? But can you truly start over when you know that the person will never come close to your creation.

I guess after every relationship like this, you wonder if anybody will ever compare to your dreams, will anybody ever treat you like you want to be treated and say the right words every time? No. I don’t think you or I will ever meet such a person. But I do believe that you can meet a person who will satisfy your dreams so much that you won’t notice they are not gentle or spontaneous enough. You just have to have faith in that and not be afraid to leave people behind. At the end of the day, if you won’t take care of yourself and your desires, then nobody will just as much.

Truly yours,

xxx

And so it goes…

‘Remember Tonight… for it is the beginning of always’
                                                                      -Dante Alighieri

Dear person behind the screen,

After a dozen of deleted beginnings I think I am ready to begin. To begin creating an online person I want you to meet. Somebody a lot like myself, yet somebody a lot bolder too. In our lifetime, there are things we conceal from the world, conceal parts of us that are too vulnerable to be left unguarded. There is always somebody who can break us. Well let’s be honest, the world breaks everybody too: the talented, the beautiful, the lost, the found.

The beauty of putting your soul on to the Internet is the shield of anonymity, the shield of knowing that no matter how alone you feel, there is always somebody who knows what you are going through. One way to show you that those words are true, is to be a true version of myself and see if you will feel the same way as I do, at least in some far away corner of your heart.

I want to introduce you to a little bubble of my life; somewhat complicated yet easy, somewhat lost yet found. Hold on to your mouse and let me welcome you to my thoughts and feelings. I hope you will be interested till the very end (or at least to the next post).
Truly Yours,

xxx