Can you love through the pain?

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen Chbosky

Dear person behind the screen,

and so I tell you I need to talk. And so I tell you how it is important to me to talk today. And so you say you understand. And so you will say you will be capable of calling. And you would put me in front of everything and help me talk to me. Of course I didn’t tell you that something serious had happened. Was that the mistake? But I did tell you that I need to talk. Do I even need to so specify that I got a text from you at 4 am saying you won’t call? I suppose I didn’t, but let’s make things apparent.

So what does this mean? Does it mean you don’t care and sex drugs and rockNroll goes in front of me uncoditionally? Would I ask too much if I would expect you to call for 5 minutes to at least ask what happened? Or text me through what is happening? But no, your friends are more important.

The question is. Do you accept it? Becuase the problem is that when you put this aside, you two are almost perfect together and happiness doesn’t end (too cliche?). So what do you do about ‘little’ things like that? They do hurt and you do mention them, but as in everything history always repeats itself. How do you deal with this?

One thing I learned is that you can’t save everybody, same as you can’t change people just because of what they do to you. I mean they are people to and they are who they are, if you fall in love you fall in love with the person they are, not the person you can make out of them. Confusion. Can you love through the pain?

I know that I am not going to ask you ‘is it worth it question’ because only you know whether it is worth it or not, nobody knows your relationship as good as you do. But how do you decide if it is?

Truly yours,

xxx

I am in love with You, not who You were born to be.

“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.”
― Oscar Wilde

Dear person behind the screen,

labels is something we meet and experience on daily basis. Without knowing it we label those around us and ourselves too. Some labels are more hurtful than others, and other labels are just there for convinience. In fact, for our convinience, because they help us to understand ourselves and where our feelings, beliefs and thoughts come from.

However don’t we limit ourselves when we give each other a category we fit? I know the thought I am about to propose will be controversal and not everybody would understand or agree with it. But freedom to the thoughts, right?

In my life time I never had any specific encounter with a person of the same sex as me, however for some time now I refused to call myself straight. Most people might find it weird because I never had a girlfriend nor was I attracted to a girl in a sexual way. However why should I tell myself that I never will be able to?

When you fall in love, truly fall in love, don’t you fall for the person? For their character and the little things they do and say, for how they make you feel? And not necesserily for what they carry in their pants?

I know a lot of people would disagree and perhaps say that they know that they are just that or this. And indeed those are lucky people who know. But I just want to put accross that it is not important to exactly know who you are and where you stand, don’t close paths you don’t know if you could possibly take them. Just open your heart to love and see what that wonderful feeling brings!

Truly yours,

xxx

How long can you blame me for something they did?

“I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.”
― Lauren Oliver

Dear person behind the screen,

let’s say you fall for someone. Let’s say you fall hard and you really want this to last, you really think it is special. And let’s say the person falls for you too. Perfect scenario isn’t it? But what if that person have really been hurt in the past and that past still lingers on his lips. And every time he kisses you, he remembers the kisses of the past pain. Now that doesn’t mean he or she is not fully committed to you, they are, but they are still broken and there is little they can do about it.

So you accept it, because you accept them fully. And you keep picking up the pieces. But what if those pieces are sharp and every time you take one in your hand and hand it over, you help them, but you hurt yourself. Looking in their eyes you know what they feel towards you, but they will never say it and sometimes they act like they don’t care because they are scared to let go fully. And you understand that and once again you accept it.

But how long can you be hurt because of something somebody else have done? They are long gone and probably have moved on. And he/she too, they moved on too and don’t even understand that the past you had nothing to do with and wasn’t a player in, hurts you daily because you are the one left with the consequences of somebody elses heart-break.

How long can this go on? Do you sacrifice yourself if that means you’re the one will be happier? Or does your happiness matter the most?

Truly yours,

xxx

Because everybody needs a moment to move on…

‘Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realising that the only perfect you really have control over is yourself.’

-Deborah Reber.

Dear person behind the screen,

for so long now I have written about relationship, how to deal with them while they are still blooming or so to say. And I have also talked about the nature of the mysterious word love, why and most importantly how does it strike us and whether it can strike all of us. But I never before have mentioned how to deal with break up’s. Actually forget the ‘how’, we all have our how’s. But let’s just talk about break up’s. The elegy of heartbreak.

I know that a relationship can be killed in many ways. Sometimes both of the people kill it together because neither of them see the perfect future. Sometimes one person has to take the blame. Sometimes one backstabs the relationship. However when for one reason or another two people who were the closest part away, what happens then?

I know that we all have our ways to deal with pain and it is obvious that if you initiated the break up, then what you do is move on and find your happiness with another. But what if you were left, by somebody you thought you will be with forever. I understand that would hurt, it has to hurt. But I think what hurts more is constantly reminding yourself of it. I know you can’t erase memories and you shouldn’t because every memory in a relationship is a teacher in your new love. Whether you accept the lesson or not, it is out there.

But I am talking about reminders like stalking their social media, stalking their friends to find out what have your lost one has been doing. Or even worse you stalk whether they had found someone new. Why do you do this to yourself? And this stalking, I’m sure that your lost one will find it out too and it won’t make them feel any better knowing you are still in the same park they have left months ago. Of course there are people who might enjoy that, but not most people are like that I don’t think.

So this leads me to thinking, if you really loved that person truly, wouldn’t you want them to be happy regardless if it is with you, alone or with somebody else? But I suppose, not all are as strong to allow themselves to leave this moment. Or are is the saying that time is the best doctor true? That all you need is time?

Truly yours,

xxx

Are we worth fighting for?

‘Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.’

-Shannon L. Alder

Dear person behind the screen,

how long can you allow somebody to hurt you? And I am not talking about serious physical or mental abuse, because that you should not be able to tolerate, who ever you are, I strongly believe that you should never silence abuse. As scary as it may be, you should always speak out about it because not only will you be protecting yourself, but you will be protecting others, who could possibly suffer too. And no matter how alone you feel, there is always somebody who has gone through the same thing.

However ever how long can you allow a person to hurt you in little ways? Break promises to call, break promises to write, break promises to care. What if time after time, you realise ‘no, I am not your priority. You are your own priority.’ And of course there is nothing wrong that, we all fall in love at different paces, same as we all care with different passion. That is not to say that he/she don’t want to care as much, perhaps they care the best they can. It is just not enough for us.

And yes, you could look at the relationship and say, well why do you stay in it if you think it’s not enough? Well what if when things are truly happy and you two are together, than it is more than enough and you understand that they do care. But love can never be as smooth as peanut butter, you always find a clump. But perhaps if you can take that clump out, that means you two are meant to be? But does that mean you should eat the little disappointments of present to find the answer?

Truly yours,

xxx

Does true love exist for all?

‘The course of true love never did run smooth.’

-William Shakespeare.

Dear person behind the screen,

what is true love? I think it has become a theme of mine to say that there is no one answer to this. As perhaps there is no answer to love at all, I mean can you tell me what love truly is in one simple sentence? To say honestly, if you can fit all those extraordinary feelings into one 5 word sentence, I don’t think you actually know what love is. Because I suppose love is everything and it would take a book longer than War and Peace to describe it.

But one thing I did wonder this morning is what does it take to love truly? Because I will be very honest with you I do not think that every single person out there is capable of true love. In fact I do not think that most people even meet their true love, a lot just give up looking because they think the perfect does not exist. And so they settle for something they think they deserve and for something they think is right. But what those people fail to understand is that the perfect does exist, only it is different for every one of us. When we fall in love truly all the faults of the ones we love somehow emerge into one and we love them for that and perhaps even stop noticing them with time. Because we accept them for who they truly are and we love that person.

I know every other person out there claims that they have been in love at least once in their life. But is it really true? Do they just think they have been in love? But was it real love? I think I have grown to understand that you really have to be a certain person inside to actually recognise true love and more over to feel it. Of course we can all feel sympathy and attraction, but can we all feel love?

Truly yours,

xxx

A golden cage is still a cage…

‘When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different.’

-Jess C. Scott

Dear person behind the screen,

relationships are complicated, even the simple once are complicated. Maybe it’s due to our nature, humans love to over think and over complicate even the most simple things of all. But relationships are hard because for once you don’t just care for your own heart (at least that how it’s supposed to be in my mind), you care for somebody elses heart too. A heart which was a stranger at first, but then became one of the closest. I guess there isn’t just one secret to how to keep a functional relationship, there are a million of them and every couple has their own. This is why I always disagreed with the lists magazines post, because what’s right for them, isn’t necessarily right for you. You have to learn how to stay in love yourself, the rest can just offer suggestions. After numerous of heart breaks I have discovered the secret for me. Or at least it is the secret of my present.

The secret of freedom.

Freedom comes in so many different forms and shapes. I know a lot of people, or at least people I knew in the past, who think that when you enter a relationship you give your freedom away. You are no longer alone or a one, from now on you are two. If before I was fooled in believing that, I reject the idea now. I do not believe that you have to talk to a person 24/7 (especially if it is a long distance relationship), I don’t think it is necessary to give the person an hour to an hour account of what you are doing each day, and updating the other person of your moves hourly. NO! I reject this idea now. I think you can and you have to be free in a relationship to make it last.

With freedom comes trust, the trust to know that regardless of what the person will be doing, where and who with, the person will always stay faithful to you. Of course you may want and need to set some basic grounds because we all have our different ideas of ‘normal’. But what isn’t normal is locking the person inside a cage, even if it is a golden cage, it is still a cage. Now I think there is something special when you two have the freedom to do things you want and then come back to the same bed and share all the minutes of happiness you had separate together. Of course there will always be people who would prefer the golden cage, but that will never be me.

Truly yours,

xxx

Because love that is blind, is nothing but blind excitement.

‘You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.’

– dr. Seuss.

Dear person behind the screen,

Love… Love is probably the topic that every second person thinks about from a day-to-day, hour to hour. Every second person wants to meet that special love, wants to be taken by the feelings so deep and so different from anything that was experienced before. One expression that I very often heard from people in regards to love, is that love is blind. Maybe before when I was younger I could accept that too, but now that I am growing, not just older but mentally too, I more and more reject that saying.

I no longer think that love can come without understanding, I think love should be thoughtful and noticed. I think love should be connected with understanding faults and learning to fight them. Faults not just within ourselves, but within our lovers  and people around us too and overcoming them together. I think true love should be smart, having the intelligence to separate the true and honest, from empty and false. That’s why love should not be blind. Blind excitement (which I don’t think you can call love) can lead to terrible mistakes and conclusions. So perhaps love is a lot more complex, than just a feeling. Perhaps to feel love, honest love, you should first learn what love really is for you. And only then you can learn to see it.

Truly yours,

xxx

Are we having sex or love?

‘Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.’

-Hunter S. Thompson.wp_ss_20150714_0001

Dear person behind the screen,

from a very young age we see people fall in love with each other, whether it is in real life, books or movies. But we grow up knowing that it is almost our second nature to find somebody to fulfill us. The level of that fulfillment changes as we grow older. In primary school it’s going to a school ball together and holding hands, then later it’s labeling each other a couple and learning to kiss. As we grow older this affection transforms into something more intimate and something which involves more trust: sex.

I know that now, children seem to grow and mature a lot faster than we did. At the same age, but in a different time I was still playing with dolls, and now some children raise their own kids. Something I wouldn’t even imagine when I was their age, the only contact with a baby I could have had is to have a younger sibling or to see my friend’s baby brother. When I was babysitting at 11 I couldn’t even put a dipper on the correct way, yet alone become a mother.

This makes me think. We do not lose our virginity the first time we have sex. We might lose it in a biological way, but not in any other. To have sex alone, is perhaps one of the easiest things you can do in a relationship. It is not hard to lose your clothes and vanity.

What I am trying to put across is that, you lose your virginity when not only you are 100% ready to commit to the act, but also when it happens with somebody so special, that it is not just love. It is friendship and feelings which is impossible to describe in any way known to men. When it will feel like a scene from a movie, even the little moments of shyness will feel perfect. And no, then it wouldn’t be sex, it would be love. Love, after which you will feel complete and not empty. Love not as a feeling we know it from romance books. I don’t think you have to be in love to experience this. Your feelings just have to be strong, honest and special. ( not something everybody can feel.) And it wouldn’t matter with how many people you have slept before, this ‘first’ time will always be different. This is not to say that this happens for all, I am sure there are people who meet that one person the very first time they give themselves away.

I just want emphasize it once again to all of my young readers. Don’t hurry up to grow up, you will do so in your own time. And when you do, it won’t be rushed, yet it will be aw so much special.

Truly yours,

xxx

Once upon a time in a dysfunctional relationship…

Dear person behind the screen,

I strongly believe that most of us (and by that I mean 99.99%) have been in a dysfunctional relationship at least once in their life. By a dysfunctional relationship I do not mean a relationship which has simply ended: no. I mean a relationship which has already died in your heart or in a heart of your partner, but for one reason or another its spirit still lingers around. By that I mean that you (and I want to talk about us rather than our partners) have not found the inner strength to break things off.

I think in the cases of ‘yes, my partner treats me like dirt but I still love them’, things are fairly obvious. You can’t dump them because you love them. I mean who am I to judge that, I have a box of pens which don’t write for years now, just because they are too cute to throw away. But what about those who know that this relationship has no future and there is no love left, but more like attachment. Why do we keep playing along pretending that one day things may change, or waiting for that magical tomorrowbandaid3, when we know we are going to wake up with the same feeling. Like what are we hopping for, that they will suddenly forget about our existence?

In my case, I knew that there is nothing I can do anymore. I cannot recall the exact moment when my feelings had died. I guess the Beatles were right when they sung ‘love has a nasty habit of disappearing over night’, because in my experience it really can. And it is not something they did or something that you did (even though it can really be both), but sometimes love just out lives itself. I guess it is really just common sense, if it is not true love, it will die eventually, give it a month or 4 years, it will happen.

So the reason I continued with the relationship was because I did not want to hurt my partner. And I felt selfish for doing so, but how do you tell somebody you still care about that you want to kill a dream in a day which you two took a year to build? But what happened was instead of breaking his heart, I broke mine. For I was not happy leaving a pretence. And so when I finally found the courage to say ‘I feel nothing anymore’, I finally felt happy for admitting to myself and to my partner that I have given up long ago. Before that moment I had wished that my partner would dump me, so that I wouldn’t be the one breaking promises.

But after it was over, I realised one thing. Never again am I sacrificing my own happiness like that. Because at the end of the day, you are all you have.

Trully yours,

xxx