Hidden Behind Dreams

“Because no matter what they say, you always have a choice. You just don’t always have the guts to make it.”
― Ray N. Kuili, Awakening

Dear Person Behind The Screen,

Sometimes I sit in my room and turn on music, spin on my chair and imagine. Imagine things I want to happen, or how I want to live my life, or how I want to be myself. I spend hours imagining it and even though happy in my dreams, I also feel sad because those dreams are not fully a reality. But why can’t it be?

If you want to act a certain way and you can see yourself being happier, then why don’t you? Because I don’t think changing yourself and your personality to the point when you are happy is faking it. Faking is when you are being dishonest to yourself first. And locking yourself in a cage of behaviour you are perhaps used to, is lying to yourself. And how can that ever make you happy?

I started to think that sometimes, I close my eyes and only then I see the real me. And when my eyes are opened I feel a person hidden by various social normal, social expectations and all of the others bla bla blas.

What I am saying is; if changing your hair makes you happy – DO IT, if laughing loud makes you happy – DO IT. As long as you are not of harm to others around you, why can’t you be you and be happy?

Truly yours,

xxx

Never on Your List

“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALEHow-to-love-1

Dear Person Behind the Screen,

I have learnt to understand that it is impossible to expect people to do exactly what you would do in their situation.

Wait, this is rather vague.

I feel like it is rather natural for people to need somebody who cares. An obvious rule of that, is being the one who cares too. Because how can you expect something honest and real when you can’t give it in return. This sounds rather materialistic, but isn’t it true? I mean can you truly appreciate or experience love if you are not capable of love? My opinion: no. And the same opinion applies to care too.

With love it is somewhat different because sometimes you fall in love and there is really little you can do about it, and sometimes you don’t even choose who you fall in love with. But is it the same with care? At what point do you stop yourself from caring about somebody who does not care (or at least does not care enough) about you and is it even possible?

And I understand that every individual has their own level of capability to show love or care. But when you are willing to do so much just to let the person know you are here for them… and well when you need them you hear radio silence.

And don’t get me wrong, I understand that sometimes people make mistakes and there are misunderstandings and so many other reasons which later turn into excuses. So when is it crossing the line?

For me love is more than just holding hands. So when the person is there for you to share happiness, but is missing from your misery… is it still love?

What do you think?

Truly yours,

xxx

If all my dreams would come true…

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”
― Douglas Adams

Dear person behind the screen,

I was wondering today about dreams. We all have them, little or big it does not matter. Sadly, not everybody’s dreams come true and even though I wrote “I hope all of your dreams will come true” on every birthday card I have wrote since I am 5, I don’t believe that there is one person who can say that everything they wanted has happened. But why would it, life isn’t always fair.

However, there may be dreams which escape our hands, but we achieve others and somehow end up happy with what we made out of our life. This made me wonder, where would we be if all of our dreams came true? Somehow I am sure that if everything has happened the way my heart wanted, I would never see the faces of people I love so much now. So maybe things caused heart ache (and a lot of it) in the past, but they got me where I am right now and I can definitely say that I am at my happiest place now. So is it important for some dreams to fail?

This definitely turns all of my worries and negative thoughts about previous break ups, disappointments and regrets to a side B. And no, this is not an excuse to let the past go. It is a reason to embrace it and thank all the heart aches to bringing you to a place you are today. And if you are still not happy today, know that this pain could be a gate to a better and possibly a happier future.

Truly yours,

xxx

 

Humanity where are you?

Dear person behind the screen,

it is very late in the part of the world where I am and sleep is falling upon me. However I couldn’t just fall asleep because my thoughts do not let go of my conscious. I never thought that opening a browser and reading news would be something I would be terrified, something I would fear of. And yet, I do. Something so simple could be so difficult. Yet there is a very simple answer to why it is the case, because I know that every time I would open another article my hope in humanity will be dying with another attack.

I do not want to talk about politics here and discuss who is right and who is wrong because there are always two truths and debating which one is the correct one is not only out of my competence, but also (most importantly) is out of my desires. However I do want to just remember those innosent people who are suffering from decissions which never belonged to them, for people who are a decoration for somebody else’s play.

Anger only encourages anger, so I am bring flowers. I don’t want my generation to become another generation of war and loss. It is impossible to change the world, but it is easy to change yourself. And that is a very good place to start.

Truly yours,

xxx

How long can you blame me for something they did?

“I guess that’s just part of loving people: You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up.”
― Lauren Oliver

Dear person behind the screen,

let’s say you fall for someone. Let’s say you fall hard and you really want this to last, you really think it is special. And let’s say the person falls for you too. Perfect scenario isn’t it? But what if that person have really been hurt in the past and that past still lingers on his lips. And every time he kisses you, he remembers the kisses of the past pain. Now that doesn’t mean he or she is not fully committed to you, they are, but they are still broken and there is little they can do about it.

So you accept it, because you accept them fully. And you keep picking up the pieces. But what if those pieces are sharp and every time you take one in your hand and hand it over, you help them, but you hurt yourself. Looking in their eyes you know what they feel towards you, but they will never say it and sometimes they act like they don’t care because they are scared to let go fully. And you understand that and once again you accept it.

But how long can you be hurt because of something somebody else have done? They are long gone and probably have moved on. And he/she too, they moved on too and don’t even understand that the past you had nothing to do with and wasn’t a player in, hurts you daily because you are the one left with the consequences of somebody elses heart-break.

How long can this go on? Do you sacrifice yourself if that means you’re the one will be happier? Or does your happiness matter the most?

Truly yours,

xxx

Because everybody needs a moment to move on…

‘Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realising that the only perfect you really have control over is yourself.’

-Deborah Reber.

Dear person behind the screen,

for so long now I have written about relationship, how to deal with them while they are still blooming or so to say. And I have also talked about the nature of the mysterious word love, why and most importantly how does it strike us and whether it can strike all of us. But I never before have mentioned how to deal with break up’s. Actually forget the ‘how’, we all have our how’s. But let’s just talk about break up’s. The elegy of heartbreak.

I know that a relationship can be killed in many ways. Sometimes both of the people kill it together because neither of them see the perfect future. Sometimes one person has to take the blame. Sometimes one backstabs the relationship. However when for one reason or another two people who were the closest part away, what happens then?

I know that we all have our ways to deal with pain and it is obvious that if you initiated the break up, then what you do is move on and find your happiness with another. But what if you were left, by somebody you thought you will be with forever. I understand that would hurt, it has to hurt. But I think what hurts more is constantly reminding yourself of it. I know you can’t erase memories and you shouldn’t because every memory in a relationship is a teacher in your new love. Whether you accept the lesson or not, it is out there.

But I am talking about reminders like stalking their social media, stalking their friends to find out what have your lost one has been doing. Or even worse you stalk whether they had found someone new. Why do you do this to yourself? And this stalking, I’m sure that your lost one will find it out too and it won’t make them feel any better knowing you are still in the same park they have left months ago. Of course there are people who might enjoy that, but not most people are like that I don’t think.

So this leads me to thinking, if you really loved that person truly, wouldn’t you want them to be happy regardless if it is with you, alone or with somebody else? But I suppose, not all are as strong to allow themselves to leave this moment. Or are is the saying that time is the best doctor true? That all you need is time?

Truly yours,

xxx

Can you judge somebody by one mistake they did?

‘Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.’

-Suzanne Finnamore

Dear person behind the screen,

let’s take a moment (or maybe 3) to talk about one of the worst things that could happen in a relationship: cheating. Now, cheating on its own is not as interesting, and is definitely not a pleasant topic to talk about. However I still want to address it to a certain degree, I want to talk about people who do it.

People are one of the most fascinating creatures and so human psychology is like an ocean, what we know about it is barely scratching the surface. There are so many reasons to why people do it. Of course there are ones when people cannot fully embrace the monogamy, or where people just enjoy the feeling of it. But I don’t want to be talking about those people. There are those people who do it as a mistake. I don’t think there is anybody who is properly clean, we all did one mistake on the other. And how can we judge which mistake is worse?

What if a person did it because they were hurt and the relationship hasn’t been working out, like living with strangers and then you find the care you were seeking, the soft and gentle touch you lacked. And of course, then you realise what you have done and even though you don’t want to hurt them, you have to end the relationship and so you do. But that doesn’t change the fact that you have cheated. But if it has happened, does it mean you will do it again? I have heard people say ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. But is it actually true? Can’t people change? And isn’t it unfair to judge every single person as the same one? Does it mean that all people who cheat are the same?

For some reason, I don’t agree.

Truly yours,

xxx

Are we worth fighting for?

‘Fear is the glue that keeps you stuck. Faith is the solvent that sets you free.’

-Shannon L. Alder

Dear person behind the screen,

how long can you allow somebody to hurt you? And I am not talking about serious physical or mental abuse, because that you should not be able to tolerate, who ever you are, I strongly believe that you should never silence abuse. As scary as it may be, you should always speak out about it because not only will you be protecting yourself, but you will be protecting others, who could possibly suffer too. And no matter how alone you feel, there is always somebody who has gone through the same thing.

However ever how long can you allow a person to hurt you in little ways? Break promises to call, break promises to write, break promises to care. What if time after time, you realise ‘no, I am not your priority. You are your own priority.’ And of course there is nothing wrong that, we all fall in love at different paces, same as we all care with different passion. That is not to say that he/she don’t want to care as much, perhaps they care the best they can. It is just not enough for us.

And yes, you could look at the relationship and say, well why do you stay in it if you think it’s not enough? Well what if when things are truly happy and you two are together, than it is more than enough and you understand that they do care. But love can never be as smooth as peanut butter, you always find a clump. But perhaps if you can take that clump out, that means you two are meant to be? But does that mean you should eat the little disappointments of present to find the answer?

Truly yours,

xxx

I don’t want to let you break my heart.

‘For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken. It is so lovely, dawn-kaleidoscopic within the crack.’

-D.H. Lawrence.Sunset_2007-1

Dear person behind the screen,

I have realized (or perhaps I have been reminded yet again) that the best medicine or remedy for a broken heart is sleep. I mean we are all looking for something to take away the pain. Especially during the night, it is easy to be hardboiled about things during the day, but it is ever so harder to do the same during the night. Hence when you finally fall asleep, you stop thinking. You stop feeling.

I know that every problem is different and some problems take you in completely:day&night and over again. But there are those little heartaches and disappointments which seem the world yesterday, but in the morning seems like little things you were just drilling your heart with for no reason. This has happened to me yesterday, and now I woke up and I look back and I still know why I got hurt. If the same happened today all over again, I would get hurt all over again. And there is little I can do, just little things always meant the world to me. And if somebody could not live up to them, I felt pain. I feel pain.

But remembering the remedy of sleep, I am wondering whether we can reach that painless state of mind while being awake too. I know there are people who dream about their problems, concerns and heartaches when they have them. But for the most part, you disappear into a different reality. So why can’t that reality be within the life itself.

That reality starts with taking care of your own feelings, with forbidding little things get to you, with forbidding people to treat you anything than what you think you deserve. Or perhaps it is just about finding people for whom you will always be somebody special. And finding people who would consider your feelings first.

Truly yours,

Xxx