Dear person behind the screen,
I strongly believe that most of us (and by that I mean 99.99%) have been in a dysfunctional relationship at least once in their life. By a dysfunctional relationship I do not mean a relationship which has simply ended: no. I mean a relationship which has already died in your heart or in a heart of your partner, but for one reason or another its spirit still lingers around. By that I mean that you (and I want to talk about us rather than our partners) have not found the inner strength to break things off.
I think in the cases of ‘yes, my partner treats me like dirt but I still love them’, things are fairly obvious. You can’t dump them because you love them. I mean who am I to judge that, I have a box of pens which don’t write for years now, just because they are too cute to throw away. But what about those who know that this relationship has no future and there is no love left, but more like attachment. Why do we keep playing along pretending that one day things may change, or waiting for that magical tomorrow, when we know we are going to wake up with the same feeling. Like what are we hopping for, that they will suddenly forget about our existence?
In my case, I knew that there is nothing I can do anymore. I cannot recall the exact moment when my feelings had died. I guess the Beatles were right when they sung ‘love has a nasty habit of disappearing over night’, because in my experience it really can. And it is not something they did or something that you did (even though it can really be both), but sometimes love just out lives itself. I guess it is really just common sense, if it is not true love, it will die eventually, give it a month or 4 years, it will happen.
So the reason I continued with the relationship was because I did not want to hurt my partner. And I felt selfish for doing so, but how do you tell somebody you still care about that you want to kill a dream in a day which you two took a year to build? But what happened was instead of breaking his heart, I broke mine. For I was not happy leaving a pretence. And so when I finally found the courage to say ‘I feel nothing anymore’, I finally felt happy for admitting to myself and to my partner that I have given up long ago. Before that moment I had wished that my partner would dump me, so that I wouldn’t be the one breaking promises.
But after it was over, I realised one thing. Never again am I sacrificing my own happiness like that. Because at the end of the day, you are all you have.