Ah Those Feelings!

‘Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed’
-Alexander Pope.

Dear person behind the screen,

There is one thing you need to know about me. I am a romantic to the very last brain cell. (okay, I do acknowledge that the sentence itself doesn’t sound romantic) Romantic to the point that I believe in love at first sight, a marriage for life, meeting your the one, the Cinderella story. (p.s. I can understand why some people’s brain cells refuse to believe in that). Call me an idealist or a dreamer, I am all that. Like every romantic I have given my heart away from the first glance. Of course, it has been burnt the next instant.

But as I have grown older (I hope that I’ve grown wiser too) I realized that people themselves were not always at fault for burning and disappointing me. It would have been easier to say that I was tricked in seeing a side of them they created on purpose, or that they have abused my romantic nature. All that happened too, but most importantly I was the one who created that ‘perfect’ side to them and it was also me, who abused my own nature. To put it simply: I saw what I wanted to see.

Whenever I have met somebody, I have always created an alternative reality in my mind, which was entirely constructed of how I wanted to be treated. I imagined conversations we would have, imagined places we would go, feelings we would have, dreams we would share. I suppose from the first glance there is nothing harmful about that. Things become different when you fall in love with the image (not a person, for that person only exists in your mind). Of course the feelings towards your creation are real. That is exactly why it hurts so much: the feelings are real, the person is not. What often happened to me, is that even though I saw the signs of my illusion being different from the reality, I still played along, creating excuses to why a person doesn’t respond with the care I want.

But you can only fool yourself and avoid the moment of realization for a certain amount of time. Sooner or (most often) later there comes a moment when you understand that the real person you know, is not the person you fell in love with. With that realization you will go over every coffee date and ever text message and understand that you imagined the care, you imagined the love, you imagined the relationship. There you will face a dilemma, do you continue living with a dream or try to fall for the real human being. Does that mean having a first meeting again and getting to know each other all over again? But can you truly start over when you know that the person will never come close to your creation.

I guess after every relationship like this, you wonder if anybody will ever compare to your dreams, will anybody ever treat you like you want to be treated and say the right words every time? No. I don’t think you or I will ever meet such a person. But I do believe that you can meet a person who will satisfy your dreams so much that you won’t notice they are not gentle or spontaneous enough. You just have to have faith in that and not be afraid to leave people behind. At the end of the day, if you won’t take care of yourself and your desires, then nobody will just as much.

Truly yours,

xxx

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